A melody plays within our souls.
Unless you let it shine, no one will ever know
The beauty that lies within.
The one true place of expression
Is the one only you will know
For every person has something hidden
And that something is their soul.
Never before
And never again
Are brave words of lore
And now we say "When?"
They say it will never happen
Now we wonder why it does
The used to be singin and snappin
Now we sing and snap "just because."
I search for a peace
I know is not there
I try to find release
How can I bare?
The world that I live in
Is one bleak and gray
It makes my head spin
When there's no love my way.
I struggle to survive
In this world, dark and gray.
My life is all a myth
That runs by my eyes each day.
I move like a machine
My body exhausted.
Yet still I must go
For there is no time for rest.
My life is a tapestry
All woven with gold.
But, as time goes on
The bright shiny color fades away.
The feel of the cloth,
Leaves something to be desired.
Yet still, the picture conveyed
Is one I would never erase.
I walk in darkness
Shadows everywhere.
The people I meet
Are strangers that I may never again see.
I stumble and fall
And blindly I feel,
When a hand pulls me up
And a stranger is made known.
I cling to the hand,
Afraid to let go,
And it leads me to the light
Where I finally find home.
I am a shadow.
I slip silently by.
I touch someone's life,
For only a brief time.
When I leave, it goes unnoticed,
When I come, the stir is small.
I wander the world,
Without a hope,
My life is gray,
And shadowed with silence.
I search for a love,
wishing to death for someone.
My heart sings out to every kindness shown me.
But in the end, I discover that's exactly what it was,
For who could ever feel naught but pity
For such as I?
I cry and I sob.
Looking around,
I can't see anyone.
Folding my arms and curling into a ball,
I wish for someone to hold me,
only to find that my wish is in vain.
My daydreams support me not,
for they are but dreams and gone when I awake.
The harsh world holds no pity for me,
striving at every corner to bring me down,
as I struggle against it to live.
But never in my life have I noticed that I'm alive,
for never will the burden of loneliness leave me.
I just wish that someone would recognize my plight,
For then, maybe, someone would understand,
and truly lend a hand to help
without the weight of obligation
guiding them.
Everywhere I go,
I am ignored.
Never has anyone ever considered,
nor have they wondered,
How I might feel.
Nobody cares,
nobody knows,
yet must I live,
with the horrible knowledge that nobody wants.
With all of my heart, I wish that I could live,
The life that I see others living so easily.
Nothing ever could compare,
to the lives that I see others living,
yet must I endure,
for I know that I will never enjoy the warmth of loving arms,
and in my life,
I will never know the warmth,
of praise.
What worth do I have,
If no one cares to recognize it?
What life do I live,
If no one wants me to live it?
How do I understand,
If everyone keeps all from me?
How do I like myself,
If no one likes me?
Never will anyone understand,
The loneliness I feel,
Never will anyone want,
To give me a part of themselves.
For who could ever think,
That they could trust me to be true?
A whispered word can bring down,
Faster than a speeding bullet.
A single glance can destroy,
More quickly than the atomic bomb.
The light in a person's eyes,
Flutter from the cold wind.
And yet the person lives on,
For there is nothing else they can do.
But living is tough,
The lives of others make it rougher,
And the fact that I'm alone,
Doesn't help much either.
Everyone is against me,
No one wants me to be happy.
The only things that bring me joy,
Are quickly seized from my life,
And locked in a safe.
If I could only destroy,
The evil destroyer of hope,
I would, for then, perhaps,
I'd be able to stand myself.
"Why me?"
I lay down my head
After a long, heart shattering day,
And whisper to the night,
"Why me?"
And in anser to my heartfelt query,
A voice whispers,
"Press on."
The voice is shoved to the back,
Heard but ignored,
And the day dawns bright,
All anguish forgotten.
Yet time goes by,
As time will,
And I lay down at night
And find myself asking yet again
"Why me?"
And answering my broken voice,
A whispered voice replies,
"press on."
Again ignored, and unknowingly obeyed.
I arise the next morning.
And go about my day.
All hurt and misgivings are gone,
And a smile graces the face again.
Life went on,
Age caught up,
and I again laid on my bed,
Knowing I would never again lift my head.
Loved ones surround,
Tears in every eye,
And my failing heart whispers,
"Why me?"
And a voice came in answer,
More clearly this time,
The voice took a shape,
Glorious to my eye.
Two arms were held out,
My spirit gladly went,
And a gently whispered voice answered,
"Because you can."
"Trials"
Faith is all that's left,
When you're knee deep in mud,
Hope goes hand in hand,
Wall is well, all is well,
Is heard sung from thousands of throats,
Walking with faith across the plains,
Never will I comprehend the trials.
The pioneers walked a thousand miles,
When in a day, I only need walk one,
And across my mind
A thought will stray,
and let me know that "They're the best."
And my life I consider,
And decide it's not much,
For never will I experience,
Such an awful trial.
My heart feels leaden,
My soul is dead,
I feel as if I'm not worth much,
All around say it's not much.
People say, I do enough,
And yet in my life,
I recount my failures,
For I think not of the good I've done.
My misery takes me deeper,
I lose all tat I have,
Only to realize,
That Jesus was no ordinary man.
I look at the saints,
With their physical trials,
And in that time,
I come to realize,
As I marvel at them,
Surely they marvel at me,
For how much harder
My spiritual trials must be.
I hate my life,
My world is in shambles,
Yet everyone expects me to be happy.
I wish with my heart,
That I would just keel over and die.
Then perhaps,
I would be noticed.
I am hated where-ever I go,
And where-ever I go,
I am pushed away.
Try though I might,
I cannot seem to create a solid relationship.
It seems habit to push away.
Never will I ever get to experience,
All that is offered in life,
For all that is offered in life,
Is denied me.
I dreamed a dream one night,
Though it wasn't of a beach.
No footprints were seen,
No Savior by my side.
I dreamed instead,
Of the Son of the Morning,
And all that he represented.
I lay terrified in my bed,
This dream had come before,
And quickly closed my eyes.
I prayed with all my might,
As I felt his cold, hard stare,
And forced my icy lips to sing.
I sung with what strength I had,
Singing hymns of praise to my Heavenly Father,
And found the courage and strength to break my bondage.
I rose to my feet and faced the adversary,
Speaking words of power from where,
I know not.
The words left my lips in a torrent,
"In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave!"
And a blinding flash took place.
I opened my eyes,
And found myself face to face with the only true enemy.
I felt my limbs freeze once again in terror,
And in my heart dwelled the Holy Ghost.
Encouragement poured into my mind,
And I found myself repeating those powerful words.
The Devil fought them,
Fought my faith in them,
Then stopped fighting,
And tried to use sympathy.
None was coming,
And I found myself saying
"I command you to leave."
And leave he did.
For who can withstand the power of those words,
When spoken in faith?
A feeling most felt,
Is one best expressed.
Yet the complexity of that feeling,
Is difficult to convey.
You try to understand,
But the knowledge eludes,
So you desperately try to get rid of it.
Worry of one,
Is stronger than your own.
But worry is the only emotion,
Unable to be ignored.
Loved ones are precious,
In every way.
If something bad should happen,
Worry would worm it's way into your mind.
Though you try to avoid it,
It simply is not possible,
And when nothing can be done for it,
Other emotions substitute for it strongly.
"Only with ..."
This feeling of complication,
Which seems to come in at one point or another,
Is not unfamiliar to anyone.
Every person must feel it,
For it is a part of growing,
And you can never be whole,
Nor can you know,
The simplicity of life,
Without such a feeling.
When people first feel it,
They wish they never had,
And yet they seem to willingly put themselves in positions,
To receive such a heartache.
They hate it for their own,
Yet others are subject to it at their whim.
There is no escaping that harsh fact of life,
For no one will ever let you do so.
To do so,
Would be to live in happiness without challenge.
I miss so many opportunities!!
So many good things,
And they are lost to me forever.
Now,
I am left alone,
With no one who cares for me,
No one to watch,
And what can I do about it?
Nothing.
And so,
I have died,
I am now Death.
The Ghost of Lady Phine visits every now and again,
But it is not easy.
She is ignored,
She is hated,
She is shunned,
She is unrelated.
And so she died,
to be scorned even more,
But it's much easier now,
Knowing that now,
My feelings are invulnerable,
Unconquerable,
And numb.
Now,
I do not have to worry about feeling anything.
MAGE
I cannot express my feelings to you,
For I feel that I do not know you well enough.
I cannot comprehend the anguish you must feel,
Yet have I felt anguish of my own.
I cannot understand the depth of your need,
Nor can I ever do for you,
That which you do not wish me to do.
I want to tell you,
I want to very badly,
But I'm not sure how.
Despite the fact that we have been estranged for all these years,
Despite the fact that we've had arguments,
I find it very difficult,
If possible,
To deny the fact that I love you.
Even though I may not act that way,
Many times in fact,
The truth is always there,
Always lurking deep inside,
Waiting to burst free.
Vocal words are not my strong point,
Yet do I hope that I can reach you through this.
This is my hope,
Something from me.
This is all that I can give you,
All that I be.
It is no great act,
Yet is it the only way I know how.
With this I expose myself completely to you,
And wish that I could tell you that which I doubt I could ever express
vocally.
I write down in words,
And seal with a vow,
My love for you,
My sister,
My friend,
And one of the closest to my heart.
I love you.
November 26, 1997
On the Inside...
On the outside I am happy,
On the outside, I am here.
On the outside I am cheerfel,
On the outside, there's no fear.
On the outside there's no problems,
On the outside all is good.
On the outside nothing really fazes,
On the outside, nothing could go wrong.
But on the inside?
On the inside all is different,
On teh inside there is fear.
On the inside all is not right,
On the inside I am sad.
On the inside I am frustrated,
My mind is far away.
The words you speak are heard by me,
But on the inside,
I'm to worried to listen.
Stake conference was today.
"Running"
Running from the world,
Hiding from your pain.
Trying desperately, but feeling it's in vain.
Not able to face up,
Dying more each day.
Finally you find,
That all you've done is made it worse,
And now you feel, that you're reduced to wishing.
Living a life that's not worth living,
You leave all behind, killing the rest.
You withdraw your light,
And others lose,
What little light they had,
That helped them to find themselves.
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